OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize
