I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
