I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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