I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
