I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
