I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
