I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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