Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
