Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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