I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
