bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
