why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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