I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
is it fun? or sober?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
