When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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