I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
