When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
