just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
