mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
