i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
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