A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Randomize
