I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
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The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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