Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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