I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
