I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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