You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
