you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
