i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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