went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
the liver wants what the liver wants
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Randomize
