My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
