R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
