It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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