dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
