i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
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But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
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