do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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