how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Randomize
