I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize