my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
