And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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