I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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