Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
