a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
