There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
