I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Holy sore nipples Batman
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Randomize
