how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
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me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
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my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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