I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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