I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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