the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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