I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
