my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
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I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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