Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
