Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
My dick has a subreddit
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