just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
