explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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