captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
