I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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