don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
