Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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