God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
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I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
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Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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